Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Of Incertitude and Perplexity

"Have you seen yourself lately?" "No, but I have been seeing someone for quite awhile now. This person is actually the only one I would like to see for the rest of my life." "Will this person be there? For the rest of your life? Or are you lying to yourself again and again and hoping for something better." "I no longer hope for something better, this person is the best and I no longer hope because this person is already here." "You're too quick to decide and devote everything you have, aren't you afraid of the pain?" "I was always afraid of the pain and it is inevitable, yet I see no suffering with this person." "Aren't you afraid this person will hurt you, it is inevitable after all, this person is imperfect and always will be after all." "No. What I fear is the day when this person no longer chooses to reconcile. I look forward to every reparation and reconciliation, but once that stops everything does." "Would you have made another attempt to "stop" yourself again... From existing." "No, I'm far too young yet far too old for that." "I see now then that you have finally grabbed life by the throat." "Yet, I know behind its back it hides a knife yet deciding whether to stab." "You cling to the hope that it won't, but it in the end there will always be a "might"".

Have you ever heard promises that fuels your entirety? Have you ever finally let go of all hope not because of despair but because of what you asked finally came? Have you ever been so sure of your decision that you never again checked the steps you have made before, that you never though about what to do next because you know you'll get the desired goal? Maybe he did too. He did let go of all his hope for this person came. This person fueled his entirety, even things he has lost has been replaced. At first, he was scared. Scared that it might be an illusion, yet in a short amount of time he was sure. Sure that fear no longer is just but a minor arithmetic function in complex equation of transcendental and trigonometric forms. That the presence of fear was just but a correction in the final answer. That fear actually made the decision more sure. Yet he sometimes falters, he sometimes becomes careless, he sometimes chooses to win this person over but actually pushed this person farther. This person, his dreams, goals, aspirations, love, devotion, entirety, was the representation of this person. He chose to cling tighter, but forgot as you cling tighter it gets painful. He can choke someone, he pressed hard against someone, and he know its painful yet he still holds tighter for fear of losing. No, maybe he wasn't losing anything, he reminds of this person's promises yet, just yet he is consumed by haunting thoughts that will never happen. Beautiful and disastrous things fear is, it made him appreciated what he has yet it consumes him.

Yet something still makes him wince at pain, seems like feelings were already told yet still feel like they aren't. Maybe he just wanted something from this person, perhaps a reassurance, perhaps protection, perhaps a guide in all the confusion. It felt like the world was telling him "It's alright for you to do this." and when he does the entire world tells him "Why the hell did you do that?". He did what he did thinking it was okay, thinking the approval was alright, yet in the end he saw the error of his ways and ended up wrong. He felt like the world was done for, yet he told himself he isn't "This person is still here beside me." He has granted his entire life and patience for this person, how can he not grant it to himself. He stood by watching silently and observing this person that wraps around him, buries beneath his skin, the one that flows through his veins, the one that fuels his lungs, the one his mind keep telling him about, the one his heart beats for, that he's there just there. He says to himself "I've been foolish. My actions that hoped for my protection ended up ravaging." He drew another breath to see if he still can, he went silent to still feel if his heart pounds, oh how much the regret consumes him. Yet this person, this person who always was there for him approaches him silently similarly feeling the same fears he had for this person, touches him, looks at him, speaks for reassurance. He doesn't understand the words, but the sound of his voice was enough, even in envy, anger, love, frustration, happiness, and everything, the sound was enough. He held himself saying "This person is enough. More than enough. Why do I ask too much of this person?"

Night came he lay on his bed silently and motionlessly, he thought to himself how everything could be even more wonderful if there were times he never thought at all. He kept saying to himself how his mind made him like this, yet still made him feel like it was his downfall. He was crushing himself under his own weight, but why? To feel a sense of punishment, no. To feel that the burden he is carrying will someday end. Someday besides this person that he loves. That it will never be his undoing, rather something that both of them would be doing. You see, he saw the light no matter how much he thought of the darkness. You see, he was just showing the best way he knows how to love by always trying. You see, no matter how simple we want everything to be complexities stay. You see, no matter how polluted what surrounds you there's also something beautiful you would want to see. You see, there will always be someone who would be there for you and would want you to be there for them too. You see, life isn't about conquering pain and living happy, it's so complex. You see, no matter how many things I've said, your heart is what you still follow. You see, he will always see this person in front of him forever, this love of his life. You see, how much I talked about them and how no one else was involved? Yes, it's just about them the world doesn't matter to them as long as they're together. You see, that's what love is, that's what devotion is, you'd stay even though there was something to lose, you'd stay because in the end you'll gain forever.

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. These maybe the last times that you'd do. Forgive. Forget. Forgo. No one every wanted any form or regrets. Stay still. Hold someone closer. Be happy. Not everyone gets a chance to. Do fear. Do fret. Do cry. Not everyone gets a chance to as well. Speak up. Listen. See. Feel. Others are already numb. Do not tell yourself "time is an illusion", it isn't and it's ticking every moment. Don't live in regrets. Just live.