Thursday, December 12, 2013

Voracious Disparity

I've been running through the thoughts of the empty halls of my mind. Leaning and peeking through the corners of who may attack despite knowing that I'm the only residence of my silent sanctuary. I endlessly look around and falter at the deafening silence in search of chaos that rips through this organized misery. However, I sat down at the cross roads of the entire labyrinth and stare at one end and decided to walk. Without regret and hesitation I finally understood why I have the ability to be uncanny. Yet the path I have chosen at the forking roads seemed so dark and eerie, it told me to accept the hateful words and undying search for destruction by other people who come along my path. I then learned I have come to believe that my existence is a nuisance, yet with purpose, and nuisance is the purpose. To give aggravations that keep the benevolence in what they call order which are left untampered at the remaining halls left unsearched in my mind I try to figure out where the entirety of this ungodly populace is headed to be. What has the world gone into that every time I am left awake I choose to close my eyes hoping that I am in my silent sanctuary again in the dark path I've chosen, yet the solidarity is enticing. I have not given enough thought to this, again I have sat on one of the empty halls neither moving forward at the eerie recesses of my mind nor searching a way out into the forking intersection once again. I tell myself that I cry for the world that aims to survive, I cry for myself that it was once also my priority as I have been brought to this world so unwillingly. And yet, here we are! Staring at the single light that keeps my eyes barely open surrounded by an empty space of vacuumed luminescence, I trudge my extremities into this so called darkness. The feeling so cold, so relaxing, and so dark and I ask myself "Why are people so afraid of this?" I then close my eyes again to open it again eventually in a world I prefer to live in, my mind. Finally I stood and chose to return to the cross roads to leave this dark and eerie place that still choose to embrace me for they lack the light that is brought by the glow of a single smile.

There at the fork I decided to sit and decide where to go next again, but I took a look back and I see someone behind the wall of the dark place peeking. I was scared and astonished to know that my unscathed sanctuary is infiltrated. The panic of not knowing what to do that eventually this will cause annihilation to everything I haven't known yet, but then again I stopped. I remember the times I walked around peeking and went back to the darkness. I saw him with his eyes as white as snow and the rest... An endless void. Then I realized I knew it was me to remind me that even though I have left where I came from it will forever be a part of me despite having chosen all the halls that gather at the intersection. I grabbed his hands, he willingly joined me at the other side where this transforming brilliance reanimate my existence, but to my companion ended in futile. He stood there watching with his piercing eyes reminding me nothing will change about me. I ran into one of the corners again peeking to see if someone would attack me and this new man with eyes dark as ebony and his entire body as white as the clouds of the sky at the peak of heat and brightness. They held hands heading towards me, I was afraid breathing heavily they plan to capture me forever to remind me that I have been built upon my life with imperfection as my foundation and that blood and sacrifice for the righteous and the evil will make my whole entirety. Then they stood there, pause, stared at me as I feel to my knees, they grab face with force that I try to restrain... They rip my eyes out and I scream for pain. They told me it's no longer important to see when you know yourself well already for the start. I woke up, oh goodness I woke up. I cry feeling my eyes that remain intact. I am reminded, I am reminded that my existence and humanity is based on the cruelty of my mere thoughts. I closed my eyes again to open it at the cross roads again as the two watch me from behind their walls and as they wait for them to be three, four, five, six...

Oh, I woke up in the darkness again, when it was my turn to seek for comfort among their numbers they always yielded that it will always be my fault. Dying at a choice and then to wake up, I don't want this silent sanctuary anymore. It was tiring to think that they say they've been doing all the work when they've only been here recently compared to I who has been here my entire lifetime. Who was the one that try to do it! Oh great! Oh Lord! I know it's my fault again always has been, when it was my chance to do so it's still my fault again. When I seek comfort from something it is still my fault for not receiving it when I ask. I curse at the air and shout for the indecency of my existence, oh Lord what have I done. Must there be more in what was hidden in my empty crevices of my mind, now occupied by the misnomers of my unnatural reproduction of memories and personalities. Identities destroyed on what was left of me. There they stand more or less than a dozen. They look at me at disgust even the one covered in darkness that took my hand for a moment I was alone there. How dare they I thought, it was I that manufactured them unknowingly as I walked every path I made. They pushed me to my knees and said they will listen, I wondered such forced will shall do any repercussions at all. I looked to my sides with apathy saying to myself as if they will listen to me at all.

There I see the forking paths to many more halls left unexplored, the desire to flee is overwhelming but the thought of having another enemy to face is difficult. Then I was forced again to face them as they grabbed my head with their hands, a quick fist to the right side of my cheek, I then feel to my knees. I tell myself "What do they want from me?", this violence and unnecessary behavior made me wonder. From ahead, I saw a glint of my light so far away yet I see with great clarity what it was. It was the memory of my innocence left untapped by the new residents of my mind. It reminded me who I was, who I don't want to be and why I am beating myself to death and to seek for breath when all these residents just want me to remind that I can never erase who I was and it is a foundation to my entirety. A fist coming from the left stopped as my stare locked at the light, I bowed down saw my face at the reflection on the floor and saw the reflection of these other residents as well... What I saw was rather disbelieving but eventually I understood. These other residents were all reflections of me. They disappeared as I looked away, and I know where they are. They are me.

I woke up, oh finally I woke up again with great disbelief and a way a relief I sat at the edge of the soft cushion that held my body away from the foundation of everything. I breathed deeper, I knew I was better now that I understood where I am. I cry to myself, "Why wouldn't anyone listen to me? So petty to others but it's so important to me? I guess I should never just tell anyone because they only wanna say they care." I close my eyes again for a moment and remember the moment my eyes were taken away from me, I remember oh I remember who I truly am, and I know that others wouldn't care because that's what they "think" but they will never "know" because they only want to know what they can fathom. There I lay my head again, I shut it in order to see... In order to see what monster I have become, and which demons I played with. I lay to think who might understand what is going on and the only best person to know is myself. Knowing about myself, I know I have been finally intertwined with the demons I knew. I sat up, breathed heavily, my hands towards my eyes, only to open my eyes again... There, that I've been running through the thoughts of the empty halls of my mind.

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