Thursday, June 27, 2013

To Succor Contention

A conversation between me and my mother. "Ma, what would you do or if someone needed help and you just pass through them." "It's what we have to deal with everyday. There are beggars and those other things, right?" "No, but what if someone's life is in danger?" "It's still difficult to answer, anak. What happened?"

So there was me getting up in the morning no longer struggling to fight the urge to reside longer on my bed, but accept and attack head on what would happen for the day, my routine kind of day. Prepare, go to school, listen, lunch with friends, head home, sleep, and repeat. Sometimes, most of us want something that breaks us away from our routines, I wanted it as well, though this isn't physical it change my perception and belief about how things go about.

After tending to the needs I have to do at school it was time to go home. After going down the bus from DLSU to Baclaran I have to ride a jeep, this was where everything has changed. Well most of us know that a jeep has a very long and wide hood and some space in front more or less like a bumper that an object can actually be placed on. I was on this jeep sitting in the back mindlessly watching why the driver bother to stop when no one even wants to ride the jeep I am riding on, taking a short glance I see this infant sitting on the bumper of the jeep right behind our jeep. I stared at the child, no seriously stared at the child with a matter of overwhelming concern feeling as if what if the jeep moves and she falls, in my thoughts: "I can actually stop this and just pick up the child and place her somewhere safer.", but no I simply glanced away.

I was worried I didn't know what to do, telling myself "Ah baka alam naman ng jeepney driver siguro anak niya o asawa niya nilagay muna dun habang nagpupuno ng jeep pulutin naman siguro siya after." I tried to take another glance and this time the jeep was moving by an inch, my heart raced, my heart and mind shouting realizing that the jeepney driver may really not know there was a child riding on the bumper. That jeep sped away as the child was still on the bumper, and I look to myself in awe and told myself amazing how being ashamed has driven me to push me away from helping someone.

A few meters away after they left our own jeep sped away on the same road and FX's, buses and other jeeps were starting to slow down only to circle the body of the child covered in blood, and as we passed I saw it with great detail and someone picked the child up and rode the FX again. I cried not to myself only, I didn't know what to do, what have I done? I couldn't hide the tears that flow down my cheeks that the passenger adjacent to me saw, I looked down, feeling low trying to act as if I was sleepy. Needing someone's comfort understanding and knowing that me and my boyfriend will meet, I was eager to tell him what happened.

While walking with him he said no longer to blame myself as he sees me crying, that hopefully once the child is healed she'll be taken to DSWD and hopefully be taken care of rather than some irresponsible parents. He then told me how amazing I was to feel concern for others, and I felt grateful, but still the overwhelming feeling shot through my body again. Then I went home feeling down, still felt like blaming myself and it was my mom who opened the door and I asked... "Ma, what would you do or if someone needed help and you just pass through them." Our conversation went long as I wept down sitting on the floor crying like frustrated child who simple wanted something, but never got to get it or do it.

She said some words the same words my boyfriend said just don't blame yourself, it's my reason to cry because I know that no matter what happened it was still my intention to be helpful and that's what makes me beautiful, it's what makes me a good person. "Yes, anak di mo siya natulungan, but we would never know ano pa mangyari sayo kung tinulungan mo yung bata she might be used for some crime as you pick it up, it's not your responsibility, but always remember na that you're a good person for feeling this, and that should be enough to remind you that somehow you have saved your own life."

I felt uplifted, though still confused and very much eager to blame myself, I learned that there's so much things that I have to be grateful about. Even to this day when I remember that incident I cry, even now as I do this post I'm actually letting tears fall. I have learned that not that because I wasn't able to do anything doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me less of a person, and it also told me where I stood.