Thursday, December 12, 2013

Voracious Disparity

I've been running through the thoughts of the empty halls of my mind. Leaning and peeking through the corners of who may attack despite knowing that I'm the only residence of my silent sanctuary. I endlessly look around and falter at the deafening silence in search of chaos that rips through this organized misery. However, I sat down at the cross roads of the entire labyrinth and stare at one end and decided to walk. Without regret and hesitation I finally understood why I have the ability to be uncanny. Yet the path I have chosen at the forking roads seemed so dark and eerie, it told me to accept the hateful words and undying search for destruction by other people who come along my path. I then learned I have come to believe that my existence is a nuisance, yet with purpose, and nuisance is the purpose. To give aggravations that keep the benevolence in what they call order which are left untampered at the remaining halls left unsearched in my mind I try to figure out where the entirety of this ungodly populace is headed to be. What has the world gone into that every time I am left awake I choose to close my eyes hoping that I am in my silent sanctuary again in the dark path I've chosen, yet the solidarity is enticing. I have not given enough thought to this, again I have sat on one of the empty halls neither moving forward at the eerie recesses of my mind nor searching a way out into the forking intersection once again. I tell myself that I cry for the world that aims to survive, I cry for myself that it was once also my priority as I have been brought to this world so unwillingly. And yet, here we are! Staring at the single light that keeps my eyes barely open surrounded by an empty space of vacuumed luminescence, I trudge my extremities into this so called darkness. The feeling so cold, so relaxing, and so dark and I ask myself "Why are people so afraid of this?" I then close my eyes again to open it again eventually in a world I prefer to live in, my mind. Finally I stood and chose to return to the cross roads to leave this dark and eerie place that still choose to embrace me for they lack the light that is brought by the glow of a single smile.

There at the fork I decided to sit and decide where to go next again, but I took a look back and I see someone behind the wall of the dark place peeking. I was scared and astonished to know that my unscathed sanctuary is infiltrated. The panic of not knowing what to do that eventually this will cause annihilation to everything I haven't known yet, but then again I stopped. I remember the times I walked around peeking and went back to the darkness. I saw him with his eyes as white as snow and the rest... An endless void. Then I realized I knew it was me to remind me that even though I have left where I came from it will forever be a part of me despite having chosen all the halls that gather at the intersection. I grabbed his hands, he willingly joined me at the other side where this transforming brilliance reanimate my existence, but to my companion ended in futile. He stood there watching with his piercing eyes reminding me nothing will change about me. I ran into one of the corners again peeking to see if someone would attack me and this new man with eyes dark as ebony and his entire body as white as the clouds of the sky at the peak of heat and brightness. They held hands heading towards me, I was afraid breathing heavily they plan to capture me forever to remind me that I have been built upon my life with imperfection as my foundation and that blood and sacrifice for the righteous and the evil will make my whole entirety. Then they stood there, pause, stared at me as I feel to my knees, they grab face with force that I try to restrain... They rip my eyes out and I scream for pain. They told me it's no longer important to see when you know yourself well already for the start. I woke up, oh goodness I woke up. I cry feeling my eyes that remain intact. I am reminded, I am reminded that my existence and humanity is based on the cruelty of my mere thoughts. I closed my eyes again to open it at the cross roads again as the two watch me from behind their walls and as they wait for them to be three, four, five, six...

Oh, I woke up in the darkness again, when it was my turn to seek for comfort among their numbers they always yielded that it will always be my fault. Dying at a choice and then to wake up, I don't want this silent sanctuary anymore. It was tiring to think that they say they've been doing all the work when they've only been here recently compared to I who has been here my entire lifetime. Who was the one that try to do it! Oh great! Oh Lord! I know it's my fault again always has been, when it was my chance to do so it's still my fault again. When I seek comfort from something it is still my fault for not receiving it when I ask. I curse at the air and shout for the indecency of my existence, oh Lord what have I done. Must there be more in what was hidden in my empty crevices of my mind, now occupied by the misnomers of my unnatural reproduction of memories and personalities. Identities destroyed on what was left of me. There they stand more or less than a dozen. They look at me at disgust even the one covered in darkness that took my hand for a moment I was alone there. How dare they I thought, it was I that manufactured them unknowingly as I walked every path I made. They pushed me to my knees and said they will listen, I wondered such forced will shall do any repercussions at all. I looked to my sides with apathy saying to myself as if they will listen to me at all.

There I see the forking paths to many more halls left unexplored, the desire to flee is overwhelming but the thought of having another enemy to face is difficult. Then I was forced again to face them as they grabbed my head with their hands, a quick fist to the right side of my cheek, I then feel to my knees. I tell myself "What do they want from me?", this violence and unnecessary behavior made me wonder. From ahead, I saw a glint of my light so far away yet I see with great clarity what it was. It was the memory of my innocence left untapped by the new residents of my mind. It reminded me who I was, who I don't want to be and why I am beating myself to death and to seek for breath when all these residents just want me to remind that I can never erase who I was and it is a foundation to my entirety. A fist coming from the left stopped as my stare locked at the light, I bowed down saw my face at the reflection on the floor and saw the reflection of these other residents as well... What I saw was rather disbelieving but eventually I understood. These other residents were all reflections of me. They disappeared as I looked away, and I know where they are. They are me.

I woke up, oh finally I woke up again with great disbelief and a way a relief I sat at the edge of the soft cushion that held my body away from the foundation of everything. I breathed deeper, I knew I was better now that I understood where I am. I cry to myself, "Why wouldn't anyone listen to me? So petty to others but it's so important to me? I guess I should never just tell anyone because they only wanna say they care." I close my eyes again for a moment and remember the moment my eyes were taken away from me, I remember oh I remember who I truly am, and I know that others wouldn't care because that's what they "think" but they will never "know" because they only want to know what they can fathom. There I lay my head again, I shut it in order to see... In order to see what monster I have become, and which demons I played with. I lay to think who might understand what is going on and the only best person to know is myself. Knowing about myself, I know I have been finally intertwined with the demons I knew. I sat up, breathed heavily, my hands towards my eyes, only to open my eyes again... There, that I've been running through the thoughts of the empty halls of my mind.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Onliest of Cerebrations

"Have you been alone recently? Even in your own thoughts?" "No, it's been so long I have forgotten myself." "Why is that even from the distance you feel tethered?" "Unable to breathe." "Then why not try to breathe?" "Because if I do, the more I won't be able to. For those days I drown in something so unquenchable." "Then there is nothing more I can do for you. You're not worth believing from anyone else's standpoint not even yourself."

Those dirty air he tasted souring the itchy throat that thirst for cold water, bowing down to these fountains not minding anymore the purity of it ability to quench a thirst. "I don't know, I don't know. What has the world gotten into?" The boy said while drinking from the fountain while looking to his side a crowd of people carelessly walk by knowing that he is insignificant. It's not for you to understand or anyone at all. Maybe he needed some time to breathe or maybe he hoped he won't breathe anymore at all. He walked and traveled far away from these people along the coasts of the silent seas. Looking over the horizon where the sea collides with the sky and the sun that wants to be a part of the non homogeneousity he believes he wasn't like the sun, nor the sea, nor the sky. He was indefinitely to himself... Unimportant and remembered he was just there to see the beauty of the three. Claiming that he wasn't want to be a part of it, claiming that he doesn't mind being unappreciated and that he's only there to appreciate others. He bows down at the edge of the sea seeing himself on the surface of the sea... "I am, I am part of this beauty. They are more than three." He murmured to himself. He realized he has been always been part of this all this time. He fell to his knees and the sea crashes on his body.

"Oh, please tell me why am I note a bigger part of this?" he shouted at the top of his lungs and the sky and sea replied with winds gushing and waves crashing on him. His phone rang, it was his mother, answering the phone he burst into tears the more he is part of the sea. Throwing his phone over the raging waters he dives into the shallow waters and never intends to reach the surface he closes his eyes. And in a moment he opens and he calls himself "I, it's has been me all along."

I trudge at the side of my bed looking for answers. I wake up unable to breathe slowly hoping the dream was true so that I can close my eyes in peace. It was no less than 3 hours of sleep. Walking slowly and grudging the thought of leaving. I close my eyes for a moment before that final forgiving eye-opener, but then as my sight goes darker I have realized I was never able to rest, breathe, nor do what I want. My elbows on the soft bed and my two hands behind the back of my neck clenching so that I have to wake up to realize that it's time. I pack up my things early in the morning where the sun is just about to want to be part again of the non homogeneousity. On a ride back home I see myself wanting to be lost among the trees that devour this land. On my way home, I see "The Three" from my dreams, and believe that at any moment now I will share the same fate as "his" who accepted that he has his own resplendence that contributed to the beauty of everyone's entirety. I became stronger for "his" sacrifice, and I will eventually sacrifice for someone else to realize their own resplendence.



Thursday, June 27, 2013

To Succor Contention

A conversation between me and my mother. "Ma, what would you do or if someone needed help and you just pass through them." "It's what we have to deal with everyday. There are beggars and those other things, right?" "No, but what if someone's life is in danger?" "It's still difficult to answer, anak. What happened?"

So there was me getting up in the morning no longer struggling to fight the urge to reside longer on my bed, but accept and attack head on what would happen for the day, my routine kind of day. Prepare, go to school, listen, lunch with friends, head home, sleep, and repeat. Sometimes, most of us want something that breaks us away from our routines, I wanted it as well, though this isn't physical it change my perception and belief about how things go about.

After tending to the needs I have to do at school it was time to go home. After going down the bus from DLSU to Baclaran I have to ride a jeep, this was where everything has changed. Well most of us know that a jeep has a very long and wide hood and some space in front more or less like a bumper that an object can actually be placed on. I was on this jeep sitting in the back mindlessly watching why the driver bother to stop when no one even wants to ride the jeep I am riding on, taking a short glance I see this infant sitting on the bumper of the jeep right behind our jeep. I stared at the child, no seriously stared at the child with a matter of overwhelming concern feeling as if what if the jeep moves and she falls, in my thoughts: "I can actually stop this and just pick up the child and place her somewhere safer.", but no I simply glanced away.

I was worried I didn't know what to do, telling myself "Ah baka alam naman ng jeepney driver siguro anak niya o asawa niya nilagay muna dun habang nagpupuno ng jeep pulutin naman siguro siya after." I tried to take another glance and this time the jeep was moving by an inch, my heart raced, my heart and mind shouting realizing that the jeepney driver may really not know there was a child riding on the bumper. That jeep sped away as the child was still on the bumper, and I look to myself in awe and told myself amazing how being ashamed has driven me to push me away from helping someone.

A few meters away after they left our own jeep sped away on the same road and FX's, buses and other jeeps were starting to slow down only to circle the body of the child covered in blood, and as we passed I saw it with great detail and someone picked the child up and rode the FX again. I cried not to myself only, I didn't know what to do, what have I done? I couldn't hide the tears that flow down my cheeks that the passenger adjacent to me saw, I looked down, feeling low trying to act as if I was sleepy. Needing someone's comfort understanding and knowing that me and my boyfriend will meet, I was eager to tell him what happened.

While walking with him he said no longer to blame myself as he sees me crying, that hopefully once the child is healed she'll be taken to DSWD and hopefully be taken care of rather than some irresponsible parents. He then told me how amazing I was to feel concern for others, and I felt grateful, but still the overwhelming feeling shot through my body again. Then I went home feeling down, still felt like blaming myself and it was my mom who opened the door and I asked... "Ma, what would you do or if someone needed help and you just pass through them." Our conversation went long as I wept down sitting on the floor crying like frustrated child who simple wanted something, but never got to get it or do it.

She said some words the same words my boyfriend said just don't blame yourself, it's my reason to cry because I know that no matter what happened it was still my intention to be helpful and that's what makes me beautiful, it's what makes me a good person. "Yes, anak di mo siya natulungan, but we would never know ano pa mangyari sayo kung tinulungan mo yung bata she might be used for some crime as you pick it up, it's not your responsibility, but always remember na that you're a good person for feeling this, and that should be enough to remind you that somehow you have saved your own life."

I felt uplifted, though still confused and very much eager to blame myself, I learned that there's so much things that I have to be grateful about. Even to this day when I remember that incident I cry, even now as I do this post I'm actually letting tears fall. I have learned that not that because I wasn't able to do anything doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me less of a person, and it also told me where I stood.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Durance of Analgesia

"Can you tell me what else is ahead of me?" "I can but I won't. It's best you know them by yourself as you go along the way." "I'm afraid... As always. After, you know. that incident." "Who wouldn't be? I was too when that happened to you." "Tell me, how come of all the possible instances I'm still here?" "I hate to tell you, but just so you can suffer a little more longer. Well you know, life's full of pain. Happiness? The opium of the people." "Well what are you up to?" "Will smuggle more of this "opium" and let people suffer more at the expense of "this"" "So you want pain?" "No, I am pain." "You're evil." "Pain isn't evil, it gets people to rethink, understand, appreciate, realize things you never did!" "Maybe, I already knew from the start. I just didn't know how to."

Sometimes I fall down to my feet. Sometimes I can't get up when I lay down. Sometimes I just stand there without moving. Sometimes I sit staring blankly ahead. I minimize my movements, but somethings in my body still move... My rapid breathing, my hands that cover my face, my nose that doesn't stop being runny, and my eyes that doesn't stop tearing up. I know I'm weak. I know they told me to be strong, and I know I have been strong in my own way. Who would understand the death defying things I've done for myself just to stay alive and survive in this world? Does anybody know. NO! And here they are telling me I'm weak. You don't know how much strength it takes to admit to myself those mistakes that I have done, and to accept that I should continue living. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I'M TIRED OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT! OF ALL THIS CONTROL! OF THESE BRAINWASHING! THIS PSEUDO-FREEDOM! UGH