Thursday, October 18, 2012

Astraddle Adjudicature

"What has been going?" "Life has been going on and it has never been anymore crappier." "So much for motivational optimism." "That's false hope." "Well everything runs on false hope." "It keeps us alive." "No it keeps us surviving, but we're not alive." "So what would have had done to change it?" "Nothing, no one can be a catalyst for it." "So you sit back without bothering to change the world?" "I would love to change it, but there's nothing to do but to criticize it." "Well played." "On what? I don't understand." "What has been going on?" "What? I don't know." "I know... You're confused, addled, perplexed, astraddle..." "Always been... Never will I get a clear sight from this vertigo."

Who do you say I am? Who do you say you are? What did you tell them? What lies have you told them about yourself? What do you own, yet you are ashamed of? What ways have you demotivated others from their dreams, aspirations, and goals? How could you say that you were a better person when asked for few subtle things? How would say that what I did was wrong, what you did was right? It's a clear definition of you... Too much emotions played, too much devotion gave... It shouldn't have been you, it shouldn't have been me... What more would you take? What more would you break? How can you say that you are relieved from me? I have ensure a tightening bind, no matter how not rooting it is... It can consume you!

What graces have you relieved me from? I'm tired... This is just a supplement from a previous blog I did... How am I feeling today? Was already a feeling I had these past months... I have delineated my thoughts after what was lost and it's difficult but not as much as I did before... I was already moving past behind these false hopes and dreams I was hoping to achieve with you long ago, we were giving the sight of our happiness and love... You have destroyed a part of me and that part of me isn't you... I wasn't eager for the inevitable to come that leaving me behind was a choice for you, and now the end did finally come just a little too soon. I don't feel much pain than I expected, I was already moving on since the time we still see each other's laughter and felt no space in between our lips... It's painful, I should've told you how I felt long ago that I was no longer happy, there was this false hope that clung to me saying that you will stay, and I know in my mind the inevitable. There was this void of emptiness that I know you will never and can never fill, I found comfort in the words of someone else... In the company of someone else...

Yes... You had doubts, you had reason. You found out, it was treason. You knew my mistakes of letting myself fill the happiness that YOU were suppose to provide, but I'm a 100% sure that you can not... You told me I was more than enough for you, but my belief of that deteriorated because I felt no longer in the hands of pride and flail... I was in the hands of a secret or as far as I know I lie... Telling someone that it's not me for the reason of some things that come along with your emotions... You told me things that I may have realized that thinking about the future is too serious, so I became less serious then... I was also thinking why give devotion when you can't even to yourself about the real truth...

I hope my well of bitterness runs dry, because what ended was suppose to be bittersweet... We'll know the greener side of things about what was lost, what was supposed to be us. Supplying and demanding for each other those things we were suppose to provide for someone else. We will begin another search for someone that we can truly say "YOU'RE ENOUGH"... I know I have lied to you about being enough... I should've said it earlier, and I regret the pain you're feeling lately but I know you're doing better... Although if I told you earlier it could've been better by now... I'm sorry and thank you... Done and over. Nothing you should have next should be worse than what you had before... We'll change not for each other but for ourselves... We learn... That's what everything is about anyway...

Monday, June 11, 2012

Quiescent Adjudication

I'm a master of my own fate. I'm a master of my own life. I'm a master of my decisions. I'm a master of my consequences. I'm a master of my soul. I'm a slave of my emotions. It's sickening to be enslaved by what they say the one you're suppose to enslave. Quite an immaturity they say. Quite the stupidity and aggravated suspected consequences to come true. What have we been trying to save? What have we been trying to do? Wasn't there a day to smile, for a reason that another smiles too. Wasn't there a reason to smile, for a reason that someone doesn't smile. Save them, protect them. Don't lose, don't waste. Maybe there was a reason I feel like I wasted my TIME, my EFFORT, my HUMANITY, and my LIFE out of desperation.

Who said giving up was a choice? I think so they did? What has been a day without a fight, when after all you have been at a loss? Am I happy, enjoying, sad, or imploring something? Let's fight, let's live! Living light, feeling lit. Can we try to save what we have now? Can I stand for what I believe without that hesitation, without that unsupportive act that you so reluctantly do. So tactless, so unafraid, so ready to tell me I'm wrong, so ready to tell me I was never right. What have you been trying to prove? What have I been trying to help you prove? Do or die. See or flee. Run for the reason you have a life left to fulfill. Run for the reason that you still have that WANTS and that NEEDS that you want to fulfill.

I'm willing to run... AWAY! Run... TO LEAVE! Run... TO SAVE MYSELF! Run... TO HASTEN WHAT HAS BEEN COMPROMISED AND HALTED! Run... FROM THAT LIE!

Don't tell me I'm afraid, because it's you that is afraid. Don't tell me that it was true, when leaving was a choice. Was that you're saving grace? Was that for only play? Was that for that short live glory days and pleasure? Or was there even a glory day and it was all for pleasure? A time you wanted to compromise and to play with a heart that was willing to give an "all". Tell me? Please do? Please do. Please do! Please... What are your intentions? What are their intentions? Because you never knew my intention...

LET YOURSELF LIVE! LET YOURSELF BE ALIVE! LET YOURSELF FORGET WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU! LET YOURSELF SEARCH FOR SOMETHING BETTER! LET YOURSELF WAIT UNTIL IT FINDS YOU! WE LIVE, WE DIE! BEING ASHAMED OF WHAT YOU HAVE, WHO YOU HAVE? WHY BOTHER HAVING THEM? THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE LONELY AND ASHAMED! WE ARE YOUNG! ONLY FEEL ASHAMED WHEN SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL ASHAMED! I HAVE BEEN THERE!

I'm tired. I'm fighting. I'm smiling, but darling what could be the reason? Is it you? Is it them? Is it myself? Or maybe there is no reason and I'm just fucking crazy? PRAY THOU MAY NOT BE HURT? I'm done here...

Monday, April 30, 2012

Perforating Elation

So I was at a loss for words. Every single moment it's painful, but yes it was a test of endurance. I was probably trying so hard to win, thinking deeply of how I am to avoid this life from getting any worse. Maybe as they all say "You're too young." maybe I'm not cut out for this, but who are you? Just who the hell are you? We lead different lives, our problems maybe similar, but the people around react to our problems differently... Just because you solved it the easy way, doesn't mean I can do the very same thing without someone reacting to it negatively, unlike yours. We all know that life is unfair, I've been telling myself to cling to hope... What is hope then? When what you're to achieve is impossible? It's the one that keeps me and the one that reminds me that I'm alive. Every single time I cling to it, it's difficult and it gives me the reason to fight back... I can't believe I'm actually crying to this post... Perforating Elation? Outwards actually, not into me.

This past few days of being alone, it's quite maddening? Difficult? Depressing? Unhealthy? But who would bother to care when these people you would want to be with isn't actually alone and enjoying with someone else? This is quite a maddening crowd I can't seem to see. I hoped for everyone tomorrow to be actually happy, it's all I'm asking for. The joy on someone else's faces, especially to those people who matter to you even though they remain ignorant of you, I can't seem to stop being happy for them. I always told myself never to be unhappy, as we all know at least one person is thinking of you right now... For good or bad intentions, at least you're on someone's mind. I've been for far too long in "Pursuit of Happiness", but recently my pursuit, tiring as it is, was worth it... I have someone who cares about me for who I am, I have that person to take care of for who they really are. Very emotional as it is, then what do you call Happiness then? It's also an emotion, a mental state, or a physical elation?

I just want let you all know that, yes we will go through some tough shit that none of us wants, because it's actually what we need. We're tired of living, as some of us might say, but these problems and in pursuit of solutions are the ones that keeps us alive and surviving... And the people we meet along the way, they're the ones that we cling to, to keep us sane, happy, and in love, because in the end they also need us too. We we're never really thought how to properly live, because no one knows how to, all they know is about surviving... And this, this search of every single barren of defiled places, we should always cling to hope because it never let go of any of us. What's happiness when what you're trying to fight for isn't going to bring that happiness you search for? What is happiness when after all those time of patiently waiting ended up for nothing? What is happiness when all your efforts turn wasted and hurt you further, just so you can be distant from it? I tell you this, it may have ended not so well, but you are a strong as any motherfucker I have ever seen... You deserve every respect after all those efforts, time given patience, and that endless search for it that didn't go so well, you're tough... That's something you should and to be happy about... It's these little things that we remain ignorant about, that we already happen to have to keep us happy...

BE AWARE OF WHAT YOU HAVE! IT MIGHT BE THE ONE THAT BRINGS YOU HAPPINES!


Recently I have found someone that makes me happy, yes I've been kept sane, happy, and... In love. I can't be thankful enough for having that person in my life. I love you so much! and I also miss you! :) See you soon!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Benevolent Deceitful

So it's about a long time since my last post... :| And posting just for the heck of it and using my phone is one of the reasons why I'm doing so... But son't worry kids i never run out of content to say... :) Just another shitful and happy day for me! :P

So recently I've been falling out of place with my secrets being spilt.. It's pretty damn hard sir! I can no longer control who knows but what I have to do is just trust them... "You shall lay silent by my hands if you don't." Anyway, No one has been bringing me happiness recently except for one sole soul... I have been very happy being around this person.. Falling in love even harder as this person does it so effortlessly to me... I just wish this person would never leave me as I give more reasons for this person to fall in love even harder to me...

I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm well happy as of now with my lover... :) No one ever said it's going to be a smooth ride but I will hold onto my lover and continue this ride... If you read this baby... I love you so much! :*

Monday, February 13, 2012

A Vacillating Fluctuation

"Where have you been?" "I have been watching you patiently" "Patiently? For what reason?" "To eventually see if you're ready." "For what?" "To win a heart." "I don't want to, I don't want to break one and especially my own." "You don't know how fragile yours is, you haven't even tried stretching it for someone." "I did. I don't want to feel that miserable and helpless again." "Were you? That will to fight, that strength to stay, that determination to keep your special someone from harm even though you're bleeding endlessly. So slow that any moment you're gone." "And I was gone. All that effort, such a waste. I just want to keep what we had." "And I knew you fought hard, and endlessly and still it didn't last." "Why are you reminding me this?" "To remind you that you are more than capable of winning another heart."

What's been happening dear Lord? Every moment I get a chance to tell you how I feel, something is telling me it's a lost cause, yet here I am still trying to get what I want. Torn apart, my vulnerabilities exposed to the world, and yet I still stood up just to protect the person I loved. Where has this will to fight been hiding within me, so strong I can think of it as never ending. I just want a clear sign, but maybe that **** was a clear sign that this fight was worth it. Damn it! I'm smiling here...

Thank you Lord for giving me such wonderful parents too... After all these years enveloped by infinite fear. It all went to waste for something excessively better. Now that problem has been settled, I have to win back the heart of someone I truly care about. I'll give all the time needed just as long that hopefully in the end we will be together. I know it's sort of selfish, but I just don't want all my efforts be wasted.

You know I'll wait! Time and rest is excessively needed. After what we've gone through, you always knew I wouldn't give up. Every second spent with you was worth it, through the week I saw nothing but you and can't wait to see you again right after we said our goodbyes. This is what I really want and I promise that I will take care of what we have, for a gift was given to me. Delicate, happy, someone who can understand me, though sometimes a little fearful I was always there to stand up and protect you. That mistake I made when I had that sleepless night, I just knew how lonely I will be when you leave, and I won't let that happen again. I know that you've forgiven me, but I just really want to apologize again. I don't want you to feel that same fear over again.

I just want to be with you. I'll wait for you again, let us not let anyone ruin this for us again. I love you, I always do, it's something you can no longer change.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Respite the Polemic

Your argument is invalid and never will it be valid again. Now this! Something I'm so happy about! :D His name is Potchi! It's a gift that I promised to someone I like... :"> Hehehe! Finally not a heavy hearted emotional post right? :)

I would do anything for Potchi! :D He's like the son I would never have. So concerned about his needs, simple actions that sometimes both worry me and amaze me. He is the most lovable little creature of happiness! :D I would want to visit him soon, but I'm sure he's happy being taken care of by "****" hehehe! :) He's still a little puppy so he shouldn't be stressed so much though! And all attention must be on him! CUTE! :)

A picture of them together makes me smile that sometimes my parents wonder why I smile so widely. :) Hahaha! I miss you both! :D Potchi and "****". :D Take care of Potchi, I'll visit you both! :)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Altercations and Skirmishes

"You've been played." "I'm not that weak to concede to your ideas." "Oh really? Your so called blessings have been draining the very humanity that remains in you." "I suffer for this blessing and all form of love goes through hardships." "Did I ever mention love?" "You're trying to point out something about what I've been going through." "Fine you know what you win, it's your decision. Let go and live happily, or hold on and survive suffering?" "In the name of love, I would suffer but in the end I will live happy and will be simply contented."

This picture describes what has been going through my head right now. A never ending argument, my indecisiveness have clouded my judgement. In one way or another, we all get to suffer... It's your choice, not yours. Who are these people telling me to let go?! How dare you! I'm not here to follow you... Or maybe I should? My mind is slowly being ravaged. It hurts no matter what I do.

No matter where I go, I've been played... Even there is no one around who can play me, I do not know why but I play and hurt myself. Too long, I say that this battle has been going through! In the name of your remaining dignity, we fight and suffer this long battles... I'm just scared, confused, unsure, hopeless, helpless, and many more, but I know in the end I'll be happy...

THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR FAR TOO LONG! IT'S BEEN YEARS! And while I lay bloody on the side of my savior, it scares me that it will leave me or actually do what I call it, my savior. I'm sorry if you got confused by what I'm saying, but this battle has to end although I know it wouldn't! THESE 18 YEARS OF MY EXISTENCE... Should I already say, "So long divine plan." or "Welcome my heartfelt sorrow."?

God of mercy and never ending grace, I must ask help from You and You know it wouldn't be the last... Just please, just let go of me... I'm so sorry! :'(

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Non-Odious and Ineffable

First of all it's been awhile since I last blogged so sorry. This one would be a prayer inspired by a person I just recently met, and understands what I go through. I wouldn't replace this person which I consider to be God's gift to me. This person strengthened my faith in God, without this person knowing. I thank You God! And I thank you too...

We've only been together a few times and this person's company has been heart whelming this person knows what I go through and gladly supports me. Losing this person would be like a huge loss from my life because I consider this person to be God's gift to me. I have long sought for understanding from people and this person comes along. Witty, playful, fun to be with, and to think that we have been only met together for just a short time... I have cried in front of this person without shame!

I wonder if ever I was also a gift from God to this person, but whatever God is planning, LET IT BE... This person won my heart many times over, and I would gladly give it! I have kept promises to this person and I would be one of the worst people in the world if I can't even keep my promises! You know God that I have been praying for this special person, not on my knees but on my fours... I have patiently waited, and I would not standby and lose this gift! Although, there has already been some misunderstanding, I know I would be provided the time to speak and listen to this person... Reconcile, and have the relationship that God wants us to have!

If you're reading this, the very special person I consider to be God's gift, thank you so much for being there when I cried about the problem that you would keep, being there just to fulfill my simple joys... And I apologize if I ever hurt you in ways I was so unaware and insensitive to realize! Just so you know! I wouldn't replace you for anyone else... Two words is enough! "Please stay..." :')