Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A Maculated Sanctity

Lately, I have been ashamed. Ashamed of who I am, and what I do. The lost of trust, respect, and hope for myself. I don't know what came over me to think about this and every moment it does... It hurts. I prayed and the only thing I felt more was more pain. For the only one to know what I truly am ashamed of, I really hope that I can talk to God. Provide me with answers that my shallow mind can't just happen to reflect about.

I don't know whether I'm worth respecting anymore when I myself don't respect myself too. What's to lose? I just want one person to understand. In reality, only a few do but it's just not enough... Do I also have to cling to His sanctity? What could've gone to my head to defile and befoul my only sanctuary. God apparently has a lot of reasons and I just do not happen to know what to do... I'm so sorry.

Apparently I'm confused and I know you are too... So many people to distrust, while so many thinks they're worth of respect. Why am I blessed or cursed of this critical mind? I'm tired, just please let me out at least for only one day. To rid myself of Virtues, values, vices and sins. Be who I am without regretting. Be what I want to be without restraint. Be a man worth of anything I wanted and needed without a second thought. Be compassionate to others without judging.

To regard me as a son of a defiled form of nature. No, it doesn't make it anymore better. I don't know if this world is worth living without the hierarchy. Sons of bitches think they're better than others when they don't know what the fuck life is about. I am now so far from being reformed, healed, and helped. Do I have to keep this inside me? I know the answer... YES! Because no one gives a fuck.

It's best to rid someone's vanity and narcissism for it's the only time they would understand. I'm so sorry God! For better or worse... You're the only one I can trust.