Friday, April 29, 2011

Orison and Benediction

"I'm sick of everyone being a bitch." "Don't waste your life dwelling on that." "That is what you all people say! Trying to ignore of what is really going on and then act happy." "So? Are you happy?" "Do you think I'm happy?" "Obviously not." "Then don't ask!" "Talk about being a bitch and a hypocrite." "Just shut up! You ruined my day and my life." "Fine! You know what. Just jump off a bridge because no one is ever gonna change for you!" "Shut up!" "Have you even thought that other people hate this kind of life yet they're happy?!" "I don't care!" "That's why, you always thought life would be a walk in the park but it's not! "Don't talk to me." "Ok fine I'm leaving. Just a little heads up awhile ago on your hypocracy and your thirstness for an impossible dream."

I don't know maybe I'm losing hope and if I do I wish that it continues. I can't get out anymore... I just can't runaway from this ruined world and it's inhabitants that continue to ravage it. I feel lost in every moment of pain. I don't know if I intentionally induce my indecisiveness when I am in pain or not. I'm drained out of all respect and sincerity, I even forgot who deserves it... I gave it all to myself. Undeserving as I can be I'm not suppose to feed myself of these privileges. In times that I intentionally forget about who deserve it I'm sorry.

I have just realized I have been feeding my thoughts on how to help the world and stay happy but in the end what it really did was... I was the one who ended needing help and at the same time unhappy. Never alone, yet feeling that you do. Will completely annihilate my joy... One petty mistake destroyed it all... How come destruction is so powerful and easy when you construct it's hard... You build respect and people's sincerity and one fatal mistake you lose it, and when you try to regain it... You even almost lost your life... I can't believe I have taken a beating from one petty and lousy mistake it drains me of my happiness but I feel the urge to rebuild it once again... In times like this other's seek death but what I seek is different... I seek a better life... Do my best to rebuild it but at the end you realize you're not doing your best and what you did was futile... I don't care if you do or not do this but it's been a long time as in a long time since I did this with my full respect and sincerity... and it's praying.

In times of dire need I'm such a hypocrite to let this all consume me when I induced it myself... God is no opiate and feels like he doesn't exist but no... because he is much more better than that. I respect you if you don't believe in Him and I'm asking for your respect because of me believing in Him... Because in times where I can turn to no one... I feel that someone still cares and nobody but I feel undeserving now because of how I treated others and how I let others treat me. But six words is all I pray to Him... It's "Thank you, and I am sorry."

I don't want to talk about this anymore... I'm sorry.

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