Monday, July 17, 2017

A Juncture of Circumstance

"May I ask about something?" "No." "Then I won't, but I will tell you about something." "Don't bother with that as well." "I guess you no longer need me do you?" "It's been awhile since I talked to you, to myself." "It's been months actually? October of last year was the last was it?" "I guess so." "I missed this. Talking to you, but I'm glad you didn't because every time you do you're in pain." "The next time I maybe talking to you, which I hope doesn't happen, I would probably suffering a great deal of pain."

I remember the days when things were getting out of hand. I remember the months and years saying I was happy and this is what I wanted. I remember agonizing through the consequences of my actions, but not realizing there are other actions to combat the consequences. I was clouded and enveloped in the darkness. They said I was too blind to see, I was too deaf to hear, and I was too numb to feel. I knew the people who cared for me shouting at my ears, shaking me from the grasps of the emptiness I've put myself into, and guiding me for I can not see, were there all the time. Now, it's been more than a year of how much I have learned to grow by setting myself free.. AND TO GROW EVEN FURTHER BY SETTING MYSELF FREE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S CRADLE. If there is anything I have learned about myself is that I am patient beyond others can withstand. This time for the past 11 months I have learned to put my patience where it properly lies... in you.

Yes! YOU! The one who's eager to see me in the morning when the entire night we were beside each other all the time. Yes, you, the one who's excited to see me grow out of the weakness I have succumbed to. Yes, you, the one who's grown more fond of what we have for knowing along the way what we have always lacked. Yes, you, the one that has shown nothing but understanding and a strong resilience for my headstrong tendencies. Yes, you, the one that smiles for every reason whether good or bad. Yes, you, the one that says "the world is harsh and it's difficult" but keep your amazing ideas alive and believe in it with optimism. Yes, you, the one that felt the pain and torment of which I have similarly felt, with an urge for vengeance to prove that sometimes we're human and can never best ourselves. Yes, you, the one who's hours spent with you felt like seconds, and seconds spent without you felt like years. Yes, you, the one who is lost and drowning in optimism who asks for my guidance in all your plans. Yes, you, the one who sees to my plans that I am the one who is optimistic. Yes, you, the one I cannot get out of my head and the one I try to place in a pedestal. Yes, you, the one that the people who love me also love. Yes, you, the person that I love. Yes, you.

Thinking to myself again and again. How hard could it be? It just seems so easy the moment I met you, the moment everything fell into place so effortlessly. Thank you. Thank you for letting me see again, to hear again, and to feel again. Maybe someday the questions we keep on asking each other about how come we've only met just now will be answered, but I doubt it will ever be answered. I guess we just have to let it be? I don't need to find the answers anyway on why I only met you, because you are the answer to all my remaining questions. I promise, I won't lose sight of you.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Of Incertitude and Perplexity

"Have you seen yourself lately?" "No, but I have been seeing someone for quite awhile now. This person is actually the only one I would like to see for the rest of my life." "Will this person be there? For the rest of your life? Or are you lying to yourself again and again and hoping for something better." "I no longer hope for something better, this person is the best and I no longer hope because this person is already here." "You're too quick to decide and devote everything you have, aren't you afraid of the pain?" "I was always afraid of the pain and it is inevitable, yet I see no suffering with this person." "Aren't you afraid this person will hurt you, it is inevitable after all, this person is imperfect and always will be after all." "No. What I fear is the day when this person no longer chooses to reconcile. I look forward to every reparation and reconciliation, but once that stops everything does." "Would you have made another attempt to "stop" yourself again... From existing." "No, I'm far too young yet far too old for that." "I see now then that you have finally grabbed life by the throat." "Yet, I know behind its back it hides a knife yet deciding whether to stab." "You cling to the hope that it won't, but it in the end there will always be a "might"".

Have you ever heard promises that fuels your entirety? Have you ever finally let go of all hope not because of despair but because of what you asked finally came? Have you ever been so sure of your decision that you never again checked the steps you have made before, that you never though about what to do next because you know you'll get the desired goal? Maybe he did too. He did let go of all his hope for this person came. This person fueled his entirety, even things he has lost has been replaced. At first, he was scared. Scared that it might be an illusion, yet in a short amount of time he was sure. Sure that fear no longer is just but a minor arithmetic function in complex equation of transcendental and trigonometric forms. That the presence of fear was just but a correction in the final answer. That fear actually made the decision more sure. Yet he sometimes falters, he sometimes becomes careless, he sometimes chooses to win this person over but actually pushed this person farther. This person, his dreams, goals, aspirations, love, devotion, entirety, was the representation of this person. He chose to cling tighter, but forgot as you cling tighter it gets painful. He can choke someone, he pressed hard against someone, and he know its painful yet he still holds tighter for fear of losing. No, maybe he wasn't losing anything, he reminds of this person's promises yet, just yet he is consumed by haunting thoughts that will never happen. Beautiful and disastrous things fear is, it made him appreciated what he has yet it consumes him.

Yet something still makes him wince at pain, seems like feelings were already told yet still feel like they aren't. Maybe he just wanted something from this person, perhaps a reassurance, perhaps protection, perhaps a guide in all the confusion. It felt like the world was telling him "It's alright for you to do this." and when he does the entire world tells him "Why the hell did you do that?". He did what he did thinking it was okay, thinking the approval was alright, yet in the end he saw the error of his ways and ended up wrong. He felt like the world was done for, yet he told himself he isn't "This person is still here beside me." He has granted his entire life and patience for this person, how can he not grant it to himself. He stood by watching silently and observing this person that wraps around him, buries beneath his skin, the one that flows through his veins, the one that fuels his lungs, the one his mind keep telling him about, the one his heart beats for, that he's there just there. He says to himself "I've been foolish. My actions that hoped for my protection ended up ravaging." He drew another breath to see if he still can, he went silent to still feel if his heart pounds, oh how much the regret consumes him. Yet this person, this person who always was there for him approaches him silently similarly feeling the same fears he had for this person, touches him, looks at him, speaks for reassurance. He doesn't understand the words, but the sound of his voice was enough, even in envy, anger, love, frustration, happiness, and everything, the sound was enough. He held himself saying "This person is enough. More than enough. Why do I ask too much of this person?"

Night came he lay on his bed silently and motionlessly, he thought to himself how everything could be even more wonderful if there were times he never thought at all. He kept saying to himself how his mind made him like this, yet still made him feel like it was his downfall. He was crushing himself under his own weight, but why? To feel a sense of punishment, no. To feel that the burden he is carrying will someday end. Someday besides this person that he loves. That it will never be his undoing, rather something that both of them would be doing. You see, he saw the light no matter how much he thought of the darkness. You see, he was just showing the best way he knows how to love by always trying. You see, no matter how simple we want everything to be complexities stay. You see, no matter how polluted what surrounds you there's also something beautiful you would want to see. You see, there will always be someone who would be there for you and would want you to be there for them too. You see, life isn't about conquering pain and living happy, it's so complex. You see, no matter how many things I've said, your heart is what you still follow. You see, he will always see this person in front of him forever, this love of his life. You see, how much I talked about them and how no one else was involved? Yes, it's just about them the world doesn't matter to them as long as they're together. You see, that's what love is, that's what devotion is, you'd stay even though there was something to lose, you'd stay because in the end you'll gain forever.

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. These maybe the last times that you'd do. Forgive. Forget. Forgo. No one every wanted any form or regrets. Stay still. Hold someone closer. Be happy. Not everyone gets a chance to. Do fear. Do fret. Do cry. Not everyone gets a chance to as well. Speak up. Listen. See. Feel. Others are already numb. Do not tell yourself "time is an illusion", it isn't and it's ticking every moment. Don't live in regrets. Just live.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Clandestine Lynching

"Is this what you're looking forward to?" "I have been looking forward to nothing else but to see others be great." "None of them are... Great." "Because you use to see them, the way I used to see myself." "You mean you being weak minded as you were as usual as before." "No, not weak, lost and defeated." "That is not an excuse." "And that is not an excuse for you to tell them that none of them are great." "It is not an excuse, merely an obvious observation." "Then you haven't learned enough even until now."

The moment we always talk about the fall of man rests upon only a shoulder of a single individual, why? Rests upon a "man". Have we approached a never ending cycle of putting weight upon our shoulders for the sake of knowing we're alive. For the sake of knowing you are in pain? For the sake of knowing that we can survive when we have a decision to live by unburdening ourselves. For this instance I will identify myself as "I". I have not known much about the universe nor everyone in the world but all I wanted to do was understand everything. No, not everything, only things that mattered. We tell ourselves over and over again that we're tired but we still choose to know what pains us. "It's worth it.", we always say, we repeat it to ourselves again and again as if these were our principles, and this a form of magic, but you know what the magic is never real.

We fight thinking that everything is worth it, consuming everything about you until in the end the magic of us saying that "It's worth it." never comes true. I have seen too many people fall for following the mediocrity and hypocrisy that other people earned as success, but today and in the future I shall not falter. In the wake of my decision, I have been deciding to save people from themselves, from following blind leaders who think that everyone can be like them. Maybe, I think to myself, that I'm a blind leader. However, I see myself as one of these people being fooled with trickery and deceit that to prove your worth you have to carry as much burden as you can and go on with life. No, I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be known by being unknown. I don't want to bend my principles for the sake of the greater good. I will not conform to dealing with problems even though it doesn't concern me. I'm done with this. We have been plaguing ourselves to becoming better at something else when we know we're good at something more.

I have seen so much beauty that it's so entrancing, so much potential that you would be eager to learn, so much talent that you can envy, and many more from individuals who can't see it for themselves, that I hope in my decision to help they realize what they are. It aches me to see people who have been doing their best, while others see it, they don't. I'm tired of hearing that some people think that they aren't worth it. I have been through the lowest of lows and as of the moment I am going through it too. However, I have been headstrong, steadfast, yet humble into helping people know that there is beauty in them. It was difficult for me to know the beauty I had in my because I had to know it by myself. I won't allow others to find it for themselves especially knowing that they really worked hard for it. EVERYONE JUST NEEDS A HELPING HAND.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Probity, no Mendacity

"I see you in the dark, for your mind is in the dark." "Too sarcastic? Telling me I don't have anything going on inside my head?" "No, what I meant is that you're clouded with judgment, with hate, and with your entirety." "And what do you see in the dark?" "I see desires, evil deeds, failures, and yet there is goodness." "As they say that darkness doesn't exist since it's just the absence of light." "And light isn't absent." "For there were those days we chose to turn to the light." "And forget the darkness the surrounds us, but remember the closer you are to the light the shadow you cast becomes greater." "There's a reason the shadow is behind me." "And the reason is that the darkness will never leave you."

Is it the morning sun that remains to greet just so it can remind me how the day is going to end, enveloped in darkness? How long must I search for a clearer reason that light won't remain for long? I've answered my own questions far too many times that only led to even more questions. I have seen the world through the eyes of those that failed, succeeded, hated, loved, hurt, lost, and inspired. I thought they were different parts of me until I realized everything I did for myself was my very entirety. Maybe that's why I thought my mind was in the dark. I thought there are different parts of me that don't find each other because in my mind they're separated in the darkness. I was wrong to assume, just because of my intelligence, that there is no darkness. I have created the darkness between who I was, who I am, and who I'm going to be.

Again I asked myself how long must I search for a clearer reason that light won't remain for long? Maybe it's because people get tired, or simply chose no longer to do so. I kept my head held high breathing what remains of my life. Every breath I took, a mystery. As the air passes through my lungs I grow closer to finishing what remains of my life, but there is more to be done. I pause for a moment and still I don't have my answers for a clearer reason. I tried to understand what I'm missing and then in a few moments I do.

I know what the answer is. The answer is meant to be known only at the right time. How can I force nature, the future, my behavior, and my understanding to move about this necessary evil and light that plights my mind. Humanity isn't about doing what is right for yourself, it doesn't make the lone light in the darkness any brighter but only to douse it. What I know is that we were meant to share the light for those who are lost. Sometimes that we lost ourselves even more trying to find with only what we know, because sometimes the answer doesn't lie in ourselves. The answer may lie in someone else and there are still more to ask and more to answer, but at least I know how the world will never cease to question us. However, one thing is for sure. There are questions that were already answered and plenty more unanswered as I breathed in deeper the remaining time I still have.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Lackadaisical Tyrant

"Of all the things, of all the things..." "Of all the things you contend with?" "For someone who tells me to mind their own business is apparently disgruntling me." "Oh well. I did nothing but foretell." "Of stories you told for a hundred fold." "Of stories you heard a hundred fold." "What would I do from a hindrance from appreciation." "It shouldn't be your problem at all. You told yourself that a lot of times." "Yeah, I know. What now?" "What now? You've asked yourself and answered it a lot of times yet you don't follow what you just answered." "Because of..." "Because of avarice and fear." "Because of "AVARICE" and fear." "I see."

As he saw the light go down at where scraps fly through air something was abound the night before this day came. Unnerving, unrelenting, and yet so unmindful it was the end, the end of a new beginning. Suspended without support aloft a vessel surrounded by unseen yet important, the light grew darker as it devoured the skies. Then he flew through dreams unreachable and dreams that tell him he's alive. Hours became minutes and minutes became seconds, his eyes has turned to the darkness that enveloped the skies. The cold breeze bracing him away from not caring. He said to himself "Why doesn't anybody just damn listen at all?" he fell through the rummages that he clung to the entire time. The rummages of fruitful generosity neatly packed for dissemination. "Damn you." He heard, he heard it out of the blue and realized a noise clinging to his ears. Startled he knew it was his head telling him that, although a voice from someone whom he was very familiar with. He fell back to his knees and deconstructed the rummage.

He got up and borrowed time from those that keep him home, those that sustain him, and those that love him. He went out back into the cold breeze and saw the darkness that devoured the skies again. He walked alone, a road too familiar closing his eyes will get to where he wants to go, that's what being there since birth has done to him. There he saw the gate that greeted him all the time, yet it was pushing him back from the destruction it my incur if he may enter. He saw someone and heard it again "Damn you!", he heard it a lot louder and he heard from the person he saw however he only heard it through his mind. At the impending climb of privacy yet the loss of security the conversation started. There hours became minutes again, it was all too fast. Exchanging compounds of words, however at a lower decibel, misunderstanding and reparation has begun. It ended with the best of three, and at to his dismay he lost. The night became darker as he left. Went home and on the bed it completely welcomed him. He thought how much a year, a few months, innumerable days, and countless of hours has changed what he doesn't want to change... HIMSELF. What was amazing when he changed is that everybody started to change due to him, but not according to how he wanted it to be. He closed his eyes suspended by the dreams that tell him he's alive.

By the gods how dare you! How dare you! He heard himself shouting at the top of his lungs, but no sound came out. He woke up distraught he reached out into the blinding light, he was forced. He was forced to exist, forced to relive the darkness that enshroud the empty recesses of his mind. He stopped and remembered how he was dismembered and mutilated by "the others". He looked at himself and asked "Where were you when I needed you the most?". He looked back at the exaggerated comfort he is seeing, a light consumed him, a light that told him he was out. Out of his misery, and onto another one, apparently it was his choice. A choice he half-heartedly agreed with, a choice he chose when he was more sure of the other. How did his dreams fair? He cannot fathom. A phenomena of reassembling decisions has forced himself again to the misery he wanted to avoid after all this time. How come I'd let forever end with you?